18 December 2017

Morning Light

My favorite old books- Wuthering Heights, The White Album, Z for Zachariah, The Metamorphosis, Redwall

I have never lived a year without winter. It is my time of rebalance and stabilization, where I grow closer to the center. I read an astrological belief somewhere that the season you are born into is your root, your happiness, so maybe that is true for all. I might just be winter. 
Ben and I finished watching Stranger Things season two and it was fine. We watced Dark and that shook me. I had rolling chills for most of the episodes and the consistent feeling that the world is so far out of reach, that we are small and insignificant, but that doesn't take away from the enormity of our presences here. I want people to watch it so I can talk about it with them, but it feels like recommending the Bible. It's so, so much. 
I think about God a lot, what that means to me and how I can apply it to my life. I think that I am spiritual and that maybe I understand it all, just deeper than I would have before. I watch Jim & Andy and Jim Carey's words almost scare me. He mixes Catholicism and psychic experiences and his empathetic abilities and the universe's intended happenstance and I found myself staring at the screen like yes yes yes all of that, me too. 
I get a surgery that is minor, but necessary. Something physical happened to my body in my grief and my mind could not ignore it for long. I have to spend hundreds of dollars to fix it, but I want it to be fixed. I don't want to part with the money, but I don't need it either. Ben and I start cheersing to our health which is what most cheers translate to, but we say it in English. 
I write to Lena Dunham on instagram and as she writes back, I am invited to my ten year high school reunion. The two notifications appear in the same moment and it takes me days to wring the anxiety off me. I think at first I won't go to the reunion, but then I think that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I don't think I'd recognize so many people, but the worry is probably that they wouldn't recognize me. 
Things don't hurt so much these days. But I wish I could sink the entirety of Christmas into a black hole and never look at it again. Just this Christmas. Just one black hole. Just one memory erased. 
I buy everyone I know gifts. I spend more money than I ever have. I wrap them in paper and they sit in my living room, for now. 


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