I haven't written in so long that I started to avoid this blog because it felt like a mountain that only grew larger each time I decided not to write. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. Ben and I moved from Moscow. It was a little sudden, but it felt like more relief than I have ever experienced in my life. The trip was a blur (with a crazed, sleep-deprived 6 hour layover in Istanbul), but seeing my parents when we got off the plane was amazing. We were done. We were home.
We've settled in quickly and have been enjoying American comforts (store bought bagels! Target! Driving!) ever since. We thought about moving to Boston in the summer, but a few days ago decided to stay in Chicago and save money. We've been spending our nights around our dining room table, plotting out our wedding, doing little arts and crafts and browsing etsy for deals. It's been a great source of creativity for us and I'm grateful to have something so wonderful to pour my energy into.
I have--for the first time in my life--a job that does not leave me drained. Ben has been taking EMT classes and working at a restaurant (which isn't the greatest, but we're hoping to move on soon). We have a tiny trip planned for spring break. We bought a (used) car.
Sometimes I have these moments where I feel this deep panic that I'm not pushing myself enough--that I should be growing faster, especially in terms of a career. I compare myself to others and I feel like because I don't live abroad any longer I should be doing something else.
But I can honestly say that I have achieved a new kind of peace that I haven't really had before. I don't stress about things as much as I used to; I don't feel like I'm falling forward from leaning in.
This time in my life feels calm and serene, but it is plainer. We made a safer choice, something we aren't really used to, but I feel like was necessary both financially and mentally. When I have my moments of doubt I remind myself that Boston will always be there, that I still have the world available to me. I know I can pick up and go anywhere because I have picked up and gone somewhere. It just feels so good to be here right now.
I can't wait to share more wedding details with you. Thanks as always for reading.